Posts Tagged ‘humor’

cabin-sm

Like many of my fellow patriots I had no wish to watch the slow-motion train wreck of the Presidential election, so since October of 2016 we have been hunkered down in our SHTF “bug-out” cabin in an undisclosed wilderness waiting for the post-American fallout to clear. We assumed we were well supplied and prepared to outlast the inevitable Hillary Clinton presidency (and the subsequent loss of liberty, freedom, and the collapse of our once proud nation) but SOMEBODY seriously miscalculated the pop-tart inventory. Also, I’m out of beer already (no surprise) and our DVD collection is wearing thin.

Since I am making this trip to pick through the ruins of civilization to remedy those “basic needs” shortages, I decided to charge up the old electronic devices on a lark and was surprised to find the Wifi and cell-phone coverage is still functional. How odd.

Well, now. It seems that even the Internet is still up and running. Let’s just scroll through some old headlines here to see how bad things got before the end of Western civilization.

This can’t be right…

He… he won? How the hell…

Well, even so, he’ll never keep those outrageous promises he… wait just a friggin’ minute. He’s done what? Huh.

So. There you are. I’m speechless. And, frankly, giddy with relief. I guess all I can do now is quote the late Gilda Radner: “Never mind.”

P.S. What am I going to do with a room full of MREs and a metric ton of toilet paper?

Two great things in one: a) Kids In The Hall and 2) mocking Social Justice Warriors.

Predictions on Election 2016

Posted: April 29, 2016 in Politics
Tags: ,

A few of my predictions following the 4/26/2016 primaries and the announcement of Ted Cruz running mate Carly Fiorina:

 

donald-turmp-ted-cruz

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz [REUTERS/Mike Blake]

Trump will spend the last week before the Indiana primary trying to convince everyone that the race is over, since he is the last one not mathematically eliminated from a first-vote win at the Cleveland convention. He will refuse to acknowledge that he will also be eliminated after he loses in the upcoming Indiana or California primaries. The GOP establishment and main stream media assist with this narrative.

Cruz will win big in Indiana on 5/3. It will be the start of some serious victory momentum which will bring out the long knives from Trump’s campaign, mainstream media, the Trumpaloompas, and other liberals.

Cruz will do well in California. By the time California’s primary ends on 6/7, Trump will also be mathematically eliminated from getting the 1,237 delegates he needs.

The Trump campaign will try to steal the nomination by insisting on rule changes from “must win a simple majority” to “most votes on the first ballot”. He or his mouthpieces will claim widespread corruption and use veiled threats to intimidate the GOP into cheating Cruz out of a delegate battle. John Boehner decides that the GOP caving in is his opportunity to get rid of Cruz and joins forces with the Trump campaign.

Trump will lose delegates on the second* vote at the convention and (if necessary) every vote thereafter until Cruz becomes the nominee. This will largely be because Trump failed to court those who originally backed Rubio, Carson, Kasich, Bush, Christie, Fiorina, Paul, Walker, Perry, Santorum, and Huckabee (essentially telling them “These voters, the 35% that chose me, represent the will of the people; and the rest of you, the 65%, do not – so sit down and shut up and let me win”).

The Trumpaloompas will riot and spew, and the world will be disgusted at the state of US political discourse. Democrats will campaign on how awful GOP politics is and will use Trump’s sound bites in their ads. Trump will hint at a third-party run, which by this time even his most rabid backers will ignore.

By mid-August (or at the latest, a week after the first Cruz/Clinton debate) Cruz will handily be polling 10-15% higher than Clinton.

By late October, it will be obvious that the Cruz/Fiorina ticket will win a landslide.

On November 8, Clinton will pull out a surprise win. The investigation into the well-documented massive voter fraud will immediately be halted by executive order. Bloggers, politicians, and other dissenting voices will be audited, and unless they acquiesce, jailed. Her most egregious attempts at despotism are rebuffed by veto-proof Republican majorities in the House and Senate.

(Okay, that last item may be a little too far out in the future to be accurate, but given the history of Democrat duplicity, we’ll just have to see what happens.)

 

*POSSIBLE ALTERNATIVE PREDICTION: Through some bizarre fluke of history (i.e. untimely death, plague, alien invasion, apocalyptic rapture) Cruz cannot continue his campaign all the way to the GOP convention and Trump exceeds 1,237 delegates on the second vote, winning the nomination. The Trump/Clinton debates achieve the impossible: by comparing them side-by-side, Trump makes Clinton look Presidential. Clinton is elected president in November and down-ballot the Democrats sweep the House and Senate in landslide victories. Western civilization succumbs to tyranny and degenerates into tiny fiefdoms across the globe. Just days before all the Universities are shuttered, analysts prove that a third-party bid (by any candidate at all) would have put the electoral college into play and avoided this disaster. The smoke from the fires of thousands of cities and towns blots out the sun, bringing on a new ice age. The end of life as we know it.

Numbers Do Not Lie

Posted: November 29, 2011 in Fun
Tags: ,

I checked my readership stats today, and this is what I found:

Numbers Do Not Lie

Everyone’s a critic, indeed. 😉

Occupy Best Buy?

Posted: November 24, 2011 in Life, Politics
Tags: , , , ,

I found myself driving to Best Buy on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving because my printer had run out of ink, and Best Buy has a regular Wednesday printer ink discount. This in itself is brings up an annoying memory. The last time I had to buy ink was on a Tuesday about a month ago. The under-educated teen at the register was friendly enough, and chirpily informed me of their weekly Wednesday ink specials – but not until after she had already rung up and bagged my purchase. File that under “information I could have used five minutes earlier.”

So in this distracted state of mind I approached the store and found these occupiers camped out on the sidewalk in front. Three thoughts flashed through my mind in a second: a) store display – Best Buy sells camping equipment?  b) the occupy movement hates Best Buy because the evil corporate profits and the quasi-religious holiday pandering is fully embodied in their “Buyer Be Happy” slogan?  c) there are people with nothing better to do than to camp out for two days to save $50 on a crappy made-in-China television set?

I found my ink, went to the registers and asked the cashier (not the same one as before, but her spiritual twin) about the squatters.

Cashier: Find everything?
Me: Yeah, I –
Cashier: Are you a Best Buy Rewards member?
Me: No. Did you –
Cashier: Would you like to become one?
Me: Uh, no. Are those kids out front waiting for Black Friday?
Cashier: (nods amicably)
Me: Is there anything in the store on Friday that isn’t here already?
Cashier: (shakes head amicably)
Me: So, why are they out there, exactly?
Cashier: (shrugs amicably and hands me my bag)
Me: Thanks. Enjoy your Thanksgiving weekend.
Cashier: ‘K. Bye!

I have had more stimulating conversations with store clerks than that (I’ve had more stimulating conversations with my cat, now that I think about it).  But I knew that she was an intellectual giant compared to the concrete campers out front. That’s a given if they were actually “occupiers”, but even if they were shoppers it becomes quickly apparent. Being a cashier, she can presumably do this sixth grade math (and I’ll be very generous with the numbers in this example): $150 savings divided by 30 hours equals $5/hour.

So I have the same question for them whether they are there to “occupy” or for Black Friday: Isn’t there anything more useful (or as some would say, profitable) you could be doing with yourself?

You know, sometimes it’s the only way I can watch the man speak.

Take a drink whenever Obama says, word for word:
Let me be clear OR Let me make this clear
Put[ting] insurance companies back in charge
Millionaires and billionaires
Reach[ing] across the aisle
Era of bipartisanship
Eight years of failed policies
Tragedy in Arizona
Second amendment
Bring civility
Heated rhetoric
Jobs created or saved
Worst recession since the Great Depression

Drink an entire beer whenever Obama makes one of these claims:
Claim: Limiting availability of weapons makes people safer
Claim: Porkulus pulled our economy “back from the brink”
Claim: GOP has not presented any ideas
Claim: Economic recovery depends on green energy and/or education
Claim: The wealthiest Americans have more than they need
Claim: The repeal of Obamacare will cost $[any] dollars more than leaving it intact

Orwellian Doublespeak: Whenever one of the following terms is used, the last person to cross their arms and make quacking motions with both hands must drink.
Term: Any use of Investment OR Reinvestment that does not involve the stock market
Term: Any use of the term Progressive that actually means Democrat
Term: Any use of the term Terrorist that actually means Radical Islamic Terrorist
Term: Any derogatory use of the term Wall Street that actually means Successful US Businesses

Soaring Rhetoric: Any player can yell out, “Rhetoric!” The last person in the group to hold their arms out like a bird must drink, but only if at least half of the group agrees that Obama’s statement was, actually, soaring rhetoric.

 

Have fun, and always make use of your designated driver. Unless it’s a par three hole.